Magnetic Stir
Magnetic Stir
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How not to be a Loser Magnet
'Let's face it Jo Ellen, you're a loser magnet.' Encouraging words from my sister a number of years ago, after another short-lived relationship bit the dust.
It's not as though the meagre procession of men in my life really were losers - they were mostly successful, functional guys. It was just that they seemed to encourage the worst excesses of niceness in me so they ended up looking horrible and I ended up, once again, relationshipless.
Excesses of niceness?
What I did was I actually made it OK for them to behave badly. I accommodated and adapted my own behaviour to suit what they wanted, never setting clear boundaries, never verbalising my own needs, never saying what I'd like to do.
There was even a time when it seemed easier, and less painful, to take myself out of the running in terms of relationships than to once again be with the same kind of man who took advantage of my niceness because I didn't much ask for anything for myself. As a matter of fact, I asked for so little to make sure I didn't get rejected, that I kind of became the invisible woman - and who wants to be with an invisible woman?
Now, the irony here was that in my business persona, no one would have described me as nice. Fair, considerate, understanding, yes; but most assuredly not nice. I was (and still am, I might add) direct, clear, confident and definitely visible.
It came to break point a few years ago just around Christmas/New Year when I'd finally had enough. My good will went and I ended the year and the current relationship simultaneously. The loser magnet said, "It's time to become de-magnetised!" Thus was born The Nice Factor course, which in turn became The Nice Factor Book.
As soon as I began talking about this niceness issue, my friends clamoured to tell me their experiences.
"My husband gets annoyed when I disagree, so it seems easier to simply say yes, than cause an argument."
"When I don't want to do something for the umpteenth time (like the school run) my head says no, but my mouth says yes, and I end up doing it anyway."
"I'll be seen as too pushy and besides, politeness is important."
"My parents always expect me for Sunday lunch; I couldn't possibly disappoint them."
"I'd rather be in a relationship than out of one, so if that means keeping the peace rather than stirring things up, I'll keep quite about what's bothering me."
"Sometimes I feel as though I apologise simply for breathing; I say sorry whether I mean it or not."
The thing about all this is that nice people think it's normal; that they don't really have a choice about whether to be nice or not. That's exactly what I thought - this is just how I am.
However, I realised that I wasn't born nice (which infants are?), but I had become that way through a slow process of parental and teacher expectations, humiliation avoidance and habit. Somewhere along the way I had made choices about whether to be nice or not, till pretty soon it didn't feel like choice at all - it felt like me, as though I had always been like this.
So, how did I become less magnetised? I knew that if I had adapted my behaviour to become too nice, I could un-become it too. I had it in me, since I was all right when it came to work. But I also discovered that some people are great in their personal lives and not at work; or great at work but not in their personal lives; some are really lousy at both, and when it comes to parents, it's a whole different ball game!
I had to understand and deal with the feelings that got in the way of me changing my behaviour. See, I imagined such dire consequences, that I took my imaginings as real and acted accordingly. I was so afraid of what might happen (I'd offend, I wouldn't be liked, I'd make someone angry, I'd get told off, I'd be rejected) that I'd do anything to make sure it didn't.
I couldn't stop my feelings, but I could do things differently so that I didn't feel cut off from my true self, inclinations and impulses. I realised that being happier meant that my outer behaviour needed to match up better with my inner world of thoughts and feelings. I needed to choose new ways of behaving, get out there and practise them and regain a sense of humour so my life could be a lot more fun and a lot less nice.
About the Author
Jo Ellen and Robin run Impact Factory a training company who provide
Assertiveness Training
, Public Speaking, Presentation Skills, Communications Training, Leadership Development and Executive Coaching for Individuals.
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Genuine Joe Stir Stick $5.99 0% 1000 / Box 20050 5.50" Length Plastic stir sticks are designed for hot or cold applications. Design features white plastic with red stripes. Each stick is 5-1/2" long. Genuine Joe No Plastic Red Stir Stick White www.genuinejoe.com |
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Building a Magnetic Culture (Hardcover) $33.74 Attract top talent and energize your workforce with a MAGNETIC CULTURE?Sheridan outlines simple but powerful steps to take in creating and maintaining an organization that fosters an environment with similar attraction.??Marshall Goldsmith, Ph.D., international bestselling author of MOJO and What Got You Here Won`t Get You There?A compelling case for and guide to the creation of a high engagement/high performance workforce.??Douglas R. Conant, retired president and CEO, Campbell Soup Company; New York Times bestselling author of TouchPoints?It`s impossible for any company to have a monopoly on talent. But it is possible to have the best culture. Sheridan shares insights and best practices for creating an engaging culture where associates can grow and thrive.??Frits van Paassche n, president and CEO, Starwood Hotels & Resorts Worldwide, Inc.?A long time ago I discovered that when employees are passionate about their work, customers are passionate about the company. Kevin Sheridan knows that secret too. His insights on finding the right people and getting them engaged can change your culture forever.??Quint Studer, founder of Studer Group, 2010 Malcolm Baldrige National Quality Award recipient?This book is filled with practical ideas, illuminating case stories, and fresh perspectives to stir employee engagement in any organization.??Pamela Meyer, Ph.D., author of From Workplace to Playspace: Innovating, Learning and Changing through Dynamic EngagementAbout the Book:The perils of a disengaged workforce are well known?low productivity, high employee turnover, and failure to meet organization-wide goals. Less well known is what to do about it. How do you create a workforce that is always ready, able, and eager to take the organization to the next level?You have to create a MAGNETIC CULTURE. |
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Create A Stir $2.29 Shimmering pearl invitation features a martini and drink shaker design with the word: Cocktails that cannot be changed. Design on invitation and enclosures will be printed in the same ink color as chosen for wording. Matching enclosure cards are available. This item is available with an upgraded french flap envelope. Please click here to view this envelope. You may purchase these envelopes in the shopping cart page of your order. |
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US $48.77



























































































